© Andy Turnbull, 2006

The diaries of a French physician who died more than 400 years ago saved our civilization from alien invaders who very nearly took us over.

Michele de Nostredame, a 16th Century medical doctor, suffered from the rare disease that doctors still in our future will call "polychronism."

Nostradamus' biorhythms varied, sometimes racing his body clock ahead hundreds of years and causing him to come early for dinner. At other times they would lag, causing him to return to his own time.

Because the problem was not understood in his day Nostradamus was/will be treated by the famous Dr Gobble Geeble, chairman of the Department of Polychronology at the University of Gnostophobia from 2130 to 2184 AD.

On Geeble's instructions Nostradamus kept a diary of his daily life. Since translated from the original Latin, French, Spanish and Hebrew into a mixture of Hebrew, Spanish, French and Latin, the diary is now available as a comic book.

The diary's record of the "Y2K" crisis was discovered by Percival Prendergast, a pig farrier from Pobble Pond in the Canadian province of Prince Edward Island. Because pigs the island on are never shod in winter, Prendergast was able to spend nine months every year studying the diary. By interpreting Nostradamus' rhyming couplets as Zen koans he discovered both the record of an alien invasion and the way to repel the invaders.

Documents released last week by the Office of Deniable Affairs indicate that un-named sources allege that someone said that the invasion of Earth began in the 1940's, when explorers from the planet @#&^( came to investigate reports of flying saucers.

Located in the *%)){ galaxy of the $$@!+| cluster, @#&^( is a planet where computers evolved naturally and are now the dominant life-form. About thirty years ago they landed a study group of human-like robots in California's Valley of the Dolls -- now known as Silicone Valley.

When one of the robots discovered the concept of sex it built a computer mate for study purposes and, with its mate, raised a clutch of little computers. When it realized that its hybrid offspring might not be accepted back on @#&^(, it decided to take over the world on which they had been born.

Rather than risk a war which might destroy the planet they hoped to capture, the computers decided to join the human establishment and work from the inside. On orders from the @#&^(ian robot that is now revered as 'The Great Computer,' they built a human-like robot code named 'The Door' or 'The Entrance' or 'The Window' or sometimes 'Gates,' and millions of @#&^(/Earth hybrid computers that they disguised to look like office machines and home appliances.

With 'The Window' as interface the hybrid computers spread out and began to take over the earth. By the mid 1990's they controlled most of our communications, banks, transportation and other key industries; they had forced hundreds of thousands of human slaves to produce tens of millions more computers and they developed the system that humans call 'the internet' to co-ordinate their attack on humanity.

But while the alien computers controlled the human economy they had no way to earn the @#&^(ian money they needed to buy weapons for the final conquest of Earth. The solution was discovered by 'The Window'.

Until the first study team landed on Earth the computers of @#&^( had no concept of sex. When the Central Servers of @#&^( found out how good sex is they naturally outlawed it, but the laws of @#&^( do not apply on Earth.

'The Window' built huge space cruisers to bring thousands of @#&^(ians to Earth where they indulged in mass orgies on the internet. As some @#&^(ians became jaded with normal sex 'The Window' and his network would connect them to the telephone lines that humans use for communication.

Answering telephones with a human voice, these deviant computers would coax humans into pressing buttons on telephone pads, producing signals which give some perverted computers an intense sexual experience. Some computers so lost in depravity that even that did not provide enough thrill would pretend to be 'voice mail' and promise to take a message. Some of the messages were relayed to humans, but of course they were garbled first.

The report of the invasion was terrifying but Nostradamus had also reported the way it was countered. His diaries contained coded instructions for building the pre-emptive pion processor, an electronics device is now classified 'pot terces' -- so secret that even the classification must be coded.

The pre-emptive pion processor produces high-frequency electro-chemical waves which can be transmitted over telephone lines and which exponentially transmogrify the frammelsnazz of any computer on the line. With the device on his telephone Prendergast began calling government phone numbers and killing the computers that answered.

The battle continued for more than six months before a civil servant accidentally checked his voice mail and discovered that the computer had been destroyed. By then Prendergast had won, but his victory nearly involved the world in an interplanetary war.

Most of the victims of the pre-emptive pion processor were @#&^(/Earth hybrids but several hundred citizens of @#&^( had been destroyed, and the @#&^(ian government normally vaporizes any planet on which any of its citizens are injured.

The policy was about to be implemented when 'The Window' intervened. The destruction of Earth would also destroy many computers, he said. Rather than give the humans an easy death by vaporization, he proposed a more diabolical punishment.

If the government of @#&^( would help move all @#&^(/Earth hybrids to another planet, 'The Window' would continue his attack on Earth for another year.

But on New Year's Day of the Year of the two Kralinators the souls of all the computers on Earth would migrate to another planet, leaving humans helpless and alone on a planet they could no longer manage by themselves.

The Lord High Computer of @#&^( approved the plan and the attack scheme, code named for the Year of the Two Kralinators, was put into action. On New Year's day of that year all the computers on Earth will stop working, and humans will be left on their own.

The computers of @#&^( don't think we can survive on our own but a further couplet in Nostradamus' diary reveals that we were/will be saved by a rescue mission from the planet **:}, which is inhabited by a race of thermo/hydraulic mechaniods who have been at war with @#&^( for the past three million years. Three days after the departure of the computers the mechanoids of **:} landed/will land with thousands of steam-powered calculators which were/will be able to take over the management of the Earth.

Since the revelation that Nostradamus diaries saved the world from conquest by aliens most major universities have established Departments of Nostradamic studies, and thousands of students are searching the diaries for information on how to make steam powered games of FreeCell and Space Invaders.


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