A WORLD-SHAKING DISCOVERY

© Andy Turnbull, 2006



A world-famous scientist has proof that inanimate objects can read human thoughts and, he says, they may be able to predict the future.

For years Professor Heinrich Himmelheim, chairman of the Department of Isocentric Analogies at the University of Gnostophobia, has noticed that when he wants to make notes his pencil disappears. His car keys sometimes hide from him and his eyeglasses, false teeth and books often disappear when he needs them and reappear when they are no longer needed.

Last week the professor set up a video surveillance camera to record the pencils on his desk and he determined to make notes of the exact time he got his next idea.

That part of the experiment did not work because when he did get an idea, he could not find a pencil to make a note of the time. While he was looking for the pencil, the idea faded.

But the video record on the surveillance tapes was clear. Several pencils disappeared from his desk about two minutes before Prof Himmelheim came to look for them, and reappeared after he left the room.

Because they disappeared and reappeared in the same place, the professor suggests that missing objects may travel in time rather than in space. He says this also explains how they can disappear and reappear with no apparent means of locomotion.

"We don't know exactly how it works", Professor Himmelheim says, "but we have empirical evidence that inanimate objects do travel in time. I know this because I have often seen the same object at several different times."

And because some objects seem to travel most when they are needed, Professor Himmelheim says, it appears that they are able to read human thoughts. He says pencils, keys, eyeglasses and other useful things appear to be repelled by human need and they seem to avoid times when they might be useful. Sometimes they choose to exist when they are in the way, but they seem to be most attracted to times when an urgent need for them has just passed, and when they can no longer be of use.

Professor Himmelheim can also explain why other people are often able to find things when they want them. After considering the variables the professor realized that the only significant factor is that other people are less intelligent than he. Because his thoughts are so powerful, he explains, pencils and other inanimate objects find it easier to read his mind than the mind of a normal person.

"It's very simple", he says. If I speak small words, in a quiet voice, only people who are listening can hear me.

But if I speak big words, very loud, everyone can hear.

Now it happens that I have a very powerful brain, and it is so powerful that even a very stupid object -- like a pencil, for example, can read my thoughts. It knows when I want it, and so it hides."

There is also evidence that some things may be able to influence the behavior of people. Professor Himmelheim's wife reports that several times she has stored household goods for up to 20 years, and then thrown them out a couple of days before they were needed. Professor Himmelheim explains that since the goods can travel in time they know in advance when they might be useful. His wife's experience, he says, suggests that they can actually influence her to throw them out as that time nears.

Prof Himmelheim explained his theory to a reporter in a interview. He plans to write a paper on his discovery when, and if, he finds a pencil.

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